Free Yourself from Your Inner Critic

To close out August and our exploration of Connection, I want to shine a light on the wonky inner critic we’re all born with.  And why it might cause us to feel disconnected.

Growing up, I thought I was the only one that judged myself harshly. Never thin enough or pretty enough. No sense of style and definitely not cool. My inner critic could be loud, degrading, and bossy.

I often felt out of place at large parties and gatherings. To be specific, I felt if people knew the real me…the me with flaws, insecurities, and fears…they would not stick around.

I remember being at a college party with my roommate, Christi.  We didn’t know anyone, but clearly wanted to meet people or we wouldn’t have walked through the door. Instead of introducing ourselves, we leaned against the wall, facing each other, acting engaged in conversation.  Our conversation actually went like this.

“Ok. This is really awkward. Let’s just stand here and pretend we’re talking about something interesting.  Alright, now you say something and laugh.”

What the heck?!?  Why are we ALL wired with a negative-biased inner critic that leads to doubt and fear…and makes us act weird?

We are all in this crazy together

Turns out that even the most positive-natured people have a faithful, persistent critic working hard in the background, passing judgment on all our thoughts and actions.  Constant criticism and judgment seem to be the default way we operate.

Science suggests that our negative inner voice served critical evolutionarily adaptive functions for humans.  We could dive deep into unpacking this research.

Instead, I want to name it as a universal truth.  Lay it out on the table so we can point to it, normalize it, and talk about it.  And then learn ways to quiet our inner critic when we recognize it’s bullshit.  

*Side note: If you were NOT born with an inner critic, you’d be diagnosed with a psychological disorder. No joke! (Please make that call, if this is you. 😊)

Cultivating Self-Awareness

The first step is cultivating self-awareness. Catching ourselves when we are caught in thought patterns of examining and criticizing.

Free Your Mind

Once we recognize our negative patterns, we need practices that stabilize our minds and help us see ourselves and others clearly.  Practices that dissolve doubt, encourage us to soften and offer moments to hold ourselves and others gently with compassion.

From this open, loving place, we experience more ease and feel less alone.  More connected to the whole.

There are many ways to build self-awareness and shift your mind.  Some ways that have worked for me are:

• Journaling
• Yoga -If your yoga practice does not include mindfulness, consider trying a new class or instructor. And, of course, I welcome you to join me.
• Mindfulness meditation
• Talking with a therapist

Practice Makes Progress

Noticing and softening our judgmental, perfectionistic inner voice is an ongoing process. It takes practice and time. The resulting freedom and ability to connect more deeply with others is worth it!

Slowly, you’ll notice more quickly when your mind races toward negativity and can shift back to compassion more skillfully.

With less inner judgment, it becomes easier to show more of your true self to the world.  Which in turn offers others permission to do the same.  Connections grow deeper and life becomes more interesting, inspiring, and supportive. (If only I could go back and let my teenage self in on this secret.)

I hope these words help you feel less alone in your “colorful” inner dialog.  ‘Cause I assure you,  we are all in this together!

love, Tener